Grateful for Tarlov?

My journey up to this point has taken on a life of its own. Once I started becoming clean nutritionally I almost instinctively then began to become clean throughout. Not clean as in the biblical sense of the word, but clean as in free of obstruction from seeing the truth…about everything. Once I began to try and understand what had caused my Tarlov Cyst Disease, how the body works, how to get rid of a disease it opened up all of this other, unexpected information to me that has transformed me from the sick, helpless, scared, child-like victim into a strong, empowered, fulfilled, happy human.

Everything around me is more beautiful than it has ever been and for once in my life I truly feel grateful for my life and for what I have; all this in spite of having a debilitating disease. That is what I call a miracle. Because at no point previously was the word grateful ever even close to describing my condition and life. Pre-diagnoses I was unhappy, miserable in fact, with my life. I wanted a different life or I wanted to find a way to like the life I had, but I couldn’t.  So, I blamed my husband, I blamed my work, I blamed my circumstances  and I dream of all the things I could do if I weren’t tied down, of what I could become if I were free. Ungrateful.  

I became sick, went through a nightmarish experience trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me and then crash landed in a heap in the middle of the floor…Tarlov Cyst Disease. I was mad. I was F*ING MAD. I was sadder then I had ever been. I wished I could go back to my life the way it was before. I wished I could tell the old me to get off of the stupid couch and go run around and play because you don’t know when you won’t be able to again. I became suicidal and dreamed of ways I could escape this hell. Ungrateful.

So, what’s changed you ask? I am becoming clean…I can see the truth. I know that sounds hokey and sounds like a bunch of inspirational bullcrap, but this is what is happening to me. It all started with me making myself eat a vegetarian, mostly organic diet and juicing. That was and continues to be the hardest part, but unlike before it is the ONLY hard part of my life. Before everything was hard, everything was an effort that didn’t seem worth it. Now I am happy, I am sober, I am spiritual, I am fulfilled, I am full of love, I am healthy, I laugh and I am grateful to be able to. Am I saying that I am grateful that I got Tarlov Cyst Disease… that’s a tough one. If it weren’t for that freaking cyst none of this would be happening to me, all of my happiness and joy for living wouldn’t be here. So…

PS The pic is from a trip the hubby and I took two weekends ago. We decided to drive to Hot Springs, Arkansas and just be. It was an amazing experience! It was not like my other vacations where days were spent planning out what we were going to do, then trying to get a cocktail everywhere we went, spending money left and right on stuff I didn’t need thinking it would make me happy, never quite letting anything live up to the moment it was meant to be. Always on to the next thing. This trip we had no schedule and hardly any money and it was one of the most perfect vacations I have ever had. I did get to partake in the traditional therapeutic mineral water baths at one of the bathhouses and had an interesting bit of Tarlov Cyst treatment news that I will go into detail on in the next entry. Later, Alligator.